Dealing with criticism positively is an important life skill. We all have experiences where someone’s words have stayed with us far longer than they should have.

From a young age, I struggled with negative critiques. I’d lie awake at night going over the things people said. ‘You ask too many questions’ would be internalised as an attack on my character. I felt like a failure with every comment. I went through phases of coping mechanisms, holding negative feedback against the messenger at one stage and building grudges. I also went through a period of denial. They didn’t really think that, they’re just putting me down out of jealousy!

Things started changing when I was appointed to a senior position in my late 20s. I was criticised heavily about my suitability for the role. Others believed I didn’t have the credentials, that it should’ve been an internal hire, and that it definitely shouldn’t have been me. This flipped a switch internally and I made it my mission to prove them wrong. I was deserving of that salary, I worked hard for that role. If someone criticised me, I would prove them wrong with how I act.

People make hundreds of critical comments each day, women even criticise themselves eight times a day on average! We criticise others because we somehow feel devalued by their behaviour or attitude. At its core, criticism is a response to a perceived threat. This may have worked well being an over-vigilant caveman, but our brains still can’t decipher between a physical and emotional threat. This leads to people lashing out, making comments or putting others down.

We can’t avoid criticism or control the way people perceive us which leads them to criticise in the first place. We can deal with how we respond, which determines how we feel and think of ourselves.

Here are the seven best ways to deal with criticism in a positive way

Question it.

I ask myself ‘would I have made the same comment in their position’? When I’m being critical towards others I also question it. There’s often a reason behind it. Whether that is jealousy, annoyance or it’s genuine feedback that will help us and we’ve misinterpreted the tone.

Write it down to revisit.

If it’s still a problem later, it becomes an action to revisit or improvement to make. If it holds no weight in a few hours or days’ time, it’s nothing to be concerned about.

Visualise whether changing yourself will actually make you happy.

If I accept this critique and make a change, would it improve my life? Most of the time it would mean shrinking ourselves, being less authentic and following the status quo over living how we really want to.

Ask whether you’ve heard it before.

If you’ve had the same comment from every manager you’ve ever had, it’s probably a valid piece of feedback that you need to take on board. If there is a pattern in the critique, there will be a pattern in your behaviour.

Don’t take it personally.

Whilst it feels personal at the time, distancing yourself from the comments allows you to assess the original intention. Is it actually about you or the circumstances? Sometimes regardless of who gets the job, makes the tough decision or delivers the bad news, they will receive critique. For example, no matter who holds the Prime Minister title, they will always be the most critiqued individual in the UK.

Learn your triggers.

Our life experiences form our beliefs about ourselves. If a parent or teacher had previously said you were a failure, then even as a successful business owner, one negative comment calling you a failure out of thousands of positive ones online could trigger you. Learn what upsets you and why to work through any limiting beliefs.

Respond rather than react.

Healthy emotions are our navigation system telling us something is wrong. Our immediate reaction to criticism might be anger or sadness. When you take a step back before you react with hurtful words or actions, you can respond in a way that’s appropriate and true to your values.

There will always be criticism, nobody can live a life free of critique. We have to learn how to deal with it productively if we want to be able to get on with our lives with our self-worth intact. If we don’t learn to deal with criticism, it can consume us from the inside out. We start to question our decisions and alter the way we act and present ourselves in a way that isn’t authentic to who we are.

Criticism is a reflection of the critical individual, yet we must unlearn our limiting beliefs that give negative feedback its power to impact how we feel about ourselves.

“If you have no right to change it, you have no right to criticise it” – Mark Twain.