Boundaries are internal rules that we create to preserve our values, do what is right for us or simply a way to take care of ourselves. Many of us have at some point had our boundaries crossed. Blaming ourselves for another person’s mistakes or doubting our decisions are both signs of when our boundaries are being crossed.

When I was in the business of art and collectables I would attend more than 80 auctions a year. The auctioneer would entice the other collectors and me into bidding higher by describing the lots as ‘one-off items that had provenance like no other item ever seen at auction’. We were all essentially bidding for class. Always wanting to come out on top. Never wanting to lose out on this ‘one of a kind’ item.

When the auction for these items would begin, silence would cloak the room. Everyone would hesitate to make the first bid. Then the first bid is made. The room would turn to carnage as tense bidding would take hold of the room. All boundaries of reason were lost. The only thing people would care about was owning this one item. Then adrenaline wears off and the reality sets in that you’ve crossed your own boundary and overpaid because of peer pressure.

I certainly overstepped my budget a number of times. At night I would sit in my bed, trying to work out how I was going to fund the purchases I made in the heat of the moment. This is when I learned about the importance of setting boundaries.

“One of the main impediments to boundary setting is guilt,” says renowned clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula. “People feel guilty setting a line and are afraid of hurting feelings. We’re also reluctant to set boundaries for fear of being disliked or rejected.” If you’ve ever experienced this, some helpful steps in setting boundaries are being clear with yourself about where your boundaries lie before a situation arises where you may need to compromise them.

In terms of my auction house example I would:

• Research the market and expected growth thoroughly to make an informed bid.
• Work out why and if I wanted to buy the item.
• What was my starting price?
• What was my maximum bid?

I would ignore the background noise of the auctioneer and other collectors, developing my confidence. The same confidence that would allow me to pull out of the bidding process before overstepping my boundaries.

I never lost. If I got the item then I got what I wanted, if I didn’t then I still had the money in my bank. There would always be more treasures, no matter what the auctioneer would say.

Here is another example:

• A work colleague asks you to go for a quick lunch.
• You say yes, knowing you can’t spare the time.
• Then there is a delay with the food arriving.
• By the time you get back to the office, it’s a few hours later and you’ve missed something important.

Think about it, is that lunch break really worth your time? Determine your tolerance and learn when enough is enough. Don’t carry on crossing your boundaries to make other people happy. You must have the confidence to walk away on your own terms. Setting boundaries gives you agency and control, it is not selfish to want to stick to your values.

When you set boundaries others respect you more and you are able to live a more fulfilled life. I have now set firm boundaries and avoid caving into my own limiting beliefs. Through my experiences, I am now able to empower others to live their life on their own terms. Together we can overcome the limiting beliefs to live a happy successful life on your own terms.