Loneliness is more common than we might think. Nearly half of us in the UK feel lonely often, which is 25 million people (campaigntoendloneliness.org). The impacts are huge with the physical impact of loneliness being as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad, 2010). I too, suffered loneliness at a time when I should’ve had everything going for me and this is my story of how I overcame it.
Whilst working out this morning, I was wondering how I got to be so happy and then the song by Freddie Mercury ‘Living on my own’ started playing. Some of the words started sticking in my head. The specific phrase that played over in my mind was ‘I get so lonely’. It made me think and look back to a time more than five years ago during my transformation years when I was chronically lonely. It wouldn’t have looked that way from the outside, however! I was constantly meeting people and working from a bustling office with more than 2,000 people, yet I just couldn’t connect with them. My schedule was full yet I felt a sense of emptiness.
I’d just got divorced and left the country I called home for 40 years with all my friends behind, leaving my passions and disconnecting from my family. I was living in a country where there was absolutely no cultural fit, I couldn’t speak the language and struggled to find anyone whose values aligned with mine. At that stage, I’d stopped speaking to my family as I wanted to burst into tears when I thought about having to admit I was struggling.
As I mentioned, loneliness is huge at the moment in the UK, heightened by the recent pandemic which made it much worse than ever before. Experts at Harvard say that covid has triggered a loneliness epidemic. You can be in a huge, densely populated city like London or New York and still be lonely. You can have many friends, social plans, a huge family, yet still get the pang of being alone.
Celebrities who’ve spoken out about their loneliness include Selena Gomez, Zendaya, Beyonce, Katy Perry, Lizzo and even the Royals Kate and Wills have been outspoken about the loneliness crisis. Social media plays into loneliness and amplifies issues around self-worth, feelings of missing out and the illusion others have more friends. Higher social media usage correlates with an increased likelihood of depression and loneliness because of these illusions (Harvard).
It is possible to come back from feeling that our needs for social connection are not being met. Here’s exactly how I did so:
- I fell in love with myself and with life again. I learnt to feel gratitude for simple things like waking up, a morning coffee and I found joy in the everyday. I started laughing at stupid things I did rather than getting frustrated such as dropping the milk out of the fridge. In your mind, you create the meaning of a situation. Re-write the automatic script.
- I started refocusing. I realised I had many options in life. I was the only person holding myself back, it was my limiting beliefs, and nobody else keeping me back. Refocus on the things you can control and take action today.
- I also started to see the positive in things. We all share experiences, for example, a rainy day. You can be miserable and say it impacts your mood, ruins your hair and your plans or you could have the mindset that it’s going to be fun splashing through those puddles and an excuse to wear your bright new raincoat. Same situation, a different narrative.
- I worked on regaining my confidence. I stopped comparing myself to others and living up to other people’s expectations. I discovered values I truly believed in and things that made me as a person happy and different. Finding who you are and living in alignment with that is instrumental in overcoming the need for external validation and feeling content on your own.
- I stopped being afraid of expressing myself. When you are vulnerable and authentic, people relate to you and you form more meaningful relationships.
Loneliness is a universal human experience, yet, that doesn’t make it any less threatening to our physical and mental health. We are social creatures and connection with others and the world around us is key to happiness and fulfilment. There is a way out of the other side. I’ve lived it, and I can help you through it.
