One of the main joys in life comes from connection and building positive and rewarding interpersonal relationships with others. The reason relationships, whether professional, romantic, or friendships fail, is a lack of clear boundaries or where someone repeatedly crosses the boundary of another.

A boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area. When we talk about our individual boundaries, we refer to the limits of what we will accept when engaging with people.

Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. If you say yes to taking on that additional piece of work, you say no to your free time. If you accept being spoken to in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you compromise on your values and lose a part of yourself.

I didn’t even know what personal boundaries were until later in life as I was too afraid of upsetting other people. My dad used to say ‘never burn bridges’ so I always said yes to far too many things in life, sacrificing myself in the process. Through self-discovery and coaching many clients, I’ve compiled a guide below on building successful relationships by setting boundaries.

Personal Boundaries

These are the rules set in relationships around behaviours, physical contact, verbal communication and personal space. Overstepping personal boundaries could be something as simple as a partner being on their phone and ignoring you at the dinner table, a friend emotional dumping or even being ‘ghosted’.

Professional Boundaries

There are many unspoken boundaries in a workplace regarding how we conduct ourselves, and many opportunities for others to overstep them and interfere with our ability to get work done. This could look like being expected to work overtime without remuneration, calls from your boss on a weekend, an inappropriate remark from a colleague, or manipulative behaviour.

The Importance of Boundaries

Boundaries build trust and respect. When we have healthy boundaries we’re able to know and communicate our personal needs, say ‘no’ to things when we want to, value our own opinions and live authentically.

Find Your Boundaries

If something makes you uncomfortable, angry, or you have to compromise on things you care deeply about, it’s most likely overstepping your boundaries. Think back to your last stressful or anxiety-inducing day, it’s likely that a boundary you set for yourself or others was crossed.

What will you accept and what are you willing to be flexible on? I’m willing to be flexible with my free time if a truly fulfilling opportunity or event comes up, but not if someone doesn’t consider my feelings or I feel I have to justify their behaviour. Beware of the people-pleasing trap I mentioned earlier! Is it something you genuinely want or will you just feel guilty for asserting your boundaries?

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Saying ‘no’ is easier said than done when we all want acceptance. Speak up when you feel a boundary being overstepped and focus on how the other person’s behaviour or request makes you feel.

This could sound like:

1. ‘I’m sorry but I can’t right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything I’ve got on already’.
2. ‘When you say or do that, it makes me feel upset, scared, or irritable’.
3. ‘I don’t want to answer that question as it makes me feel uncomfortable’.
4. ‘Although that sounds like a great idea, I’m not the right person to ask’.
5. ‘I need personal space and quiet to be able to focus and decompress’.

When it’s something you’re willing to be flexible on, state your terms clearly:

1. ‘I’m happy to do that if you can provide the support to complete it’
2. ‘Sounds great, let’s talk on Monday as I’m not online right now’.
3. ‘If you want X and Y, we’ll need to compromise on Z as I don’t have the capacity for all of it’.
4. ‘I’d love to help, here are my rates’.
5. ‘If I stay late to help today, it’d be great to get an early finish Thursday and Friday to collect my kids’.

Respecting the Boundaries of Others

In order to build better interpersonal relationships I had to learn to respect the boundaries of others. We all have different boundaries. You can’t expect others to have the same boundaries as you. That’s where more work is required, to show mutual respect.

Ask people what they’re comfortable with, what their availability is like, what they need to get their best work done, or what they need to feel secure in a relationship or friendship. You can’t mind-read so you need to ask others what they’re willing to accept.

Asking others to respect your boundaries isn’t arrogant, it’s showing that you respect yourself and that they should too. Equally, respecting theirs back shows that you care about them which is the cornerstone for great relationships.