Don’t Let Your Wishlist Become Your Prison
Like most children, I had a wish list of things I wanted. In December this became the list to Santa Clause with things ranging from dolls to puzzles to clothes. By the time I no longer believed in Father Christmas, this mental list then started to contain the things I thought I needed for an ideal life: a big house, fancy cars, luxury holidays, and designer labels. Over the years that followed, I successfully acquired everything I had dreamt of!
Next up on the wishlist were my career goals. One of which came about when I was attending a conference in the InterContinental Le Grand Hotel in Paris opposite the Opera House. I was thinking about what I would give to be on that stage. Three years later I was not only on the stage, I was moderating the conference. Thereafter I was on stage during that conference for many years.
Did checking off all these things on my wishlist make me happy?
Yes, in the moment.
I was stuck in the chase, constantly looking for the next box to tick, thing to acquire or milestone to achieve. This continuous chasing reinforced a subconscious belief that there were things missing in my life, creating the feeling of a black hole I needed to fill. Nothing I bought or did would fill this void. That didn’t stop me from trying to suppress this ache with overeating and overworking.
When we wish, it motivates us to attain something. You start believing you should get it and it influences our reasoning and sets us on a path to achieve it. When these wishes are not grounded in our values, everything becomes meaningless when you get them. You simply move on to the next. This is why it’s important to set goals and wishes that align with where we really want to be and what will make us happy and fulfilled long term. That these come from within rather than what society and social media portray as ‘ideal’. A Porsche or Mansion isn’t the key to long term happiness if you don’t have fulfilling relationships to drive your friend and family around and host them for dinner. No SMART goals are going to get you fulfilment if they’re not the right goals for you.
The most common goals set by Americans in 2020 (nypost.com) were to make more money, get their finances in order, get out of debt and buy a new home. Prioritising making money over spending your time achieving holistic goals and aiming for overall life satisfaction, has the opposite effect. How you spend, save, and think about money shapes how much joy you get from it. Buying into designer brands can give a self-esteem boost until a new ‘it bag’ comes out or that brand goes out of fashion. It’s easy to get sucked into keeping up with the latest trends and spending more yet not getting that same buzz.
Notably, Steven Bartlett wrote in ‘Happy Sexy Millionaire’ that the day his company was valued at £300million and his own value sat at £60m, he felt nothing. He actually felt more elated when he found £13 down the back of some chairs in a chicken shop when he could hardly afford dinner. The day he finally got his wish was one of the worst days on record emotionally.
Here are three questions you can ask yourself to recognise when your wishlist or goals could be contributing negatively to your wellbeing:
- How many goals that you’ve previously achieved have actually made you happy?
- How quickly after achieving one goal do you move to the next? Do you stop and reflect?
- Are the goals that you’re setting authentic to you and your beliefs or based on what others think and want for you or will be impressed by?
If those answers are uncomfortable, that’s alright, you’ve gained clarity that you need to re-think your goals. Life is too short to pursue goals and waste time chasing an ideal that won’t bring you happiness. It is possible to have everything, yet feel nothing. It’s also possible to be fulfilled and live in alignment with who you want to be and the value you want to bring to the world.
Is this true?
Yes, most recent research points to higher-income individuals being more content, less stressed than those earning under £50,000 especially when it comes to those below the poverty line who are very unhappy.
