We’ve all experienced loneliness at some point in our lives. In 2022, 49.63% of adults in the UK reported feeling lonely according to the Campaign to End Loneliness. Chronic loneliness has increased since the pandemic. It increases every year as Western societies focus on individuals over communities.
What does it mean to feel lonely?
Loneliness is a feeling of lack or loss of companionship. When the number and quality of social connections we want don’t match those we have, we feel lonely. This is the key – it’s about how we portray what we ‘think’ we want and need.
Who feels lonely?
Most of us! Cara Delevigne said “It felt like I was completely alone”, Beyonce has also spoken about the loneliness after Destiny’s Child split. Lady Gaga said in her Netflix documentary ‘Five Foot Two’: “I’m alone, Brandon. Every night. And all these people will leave, right? They will leave and then I’ll be alone. And I go from everyone touching me all day and talking at me all day to total silence.”
Why do we fear it?
In 2010, Angelina Jolie sat down for a one-on-one chat with Anne Hathaway for Interview Magazine and asked her what she fears most in life. Her answer? Loneliness.
We’re plagued with social media images of people going on adventures together, deeply in love and playing happy families. It’s hard for our minds to register in the split second of scrolling that it’s only a picture, and never the whole truth.
Many people think success and happiness come from being surrounded by people who love them. Having a loyal and perfect partner, a large group of friends who share our values. This isn’t the reality for most people. People who live alone spend 11.3 hours/day alone and adults living with children spend 5.3 hours/day alone (bls.gov).
What causes it?
Many things can trigger loneliness. Relationships end, and we move away from friends and family. We lose loved ones or simply grow apart as we grow older. When I left my country, marriage, friends, family and job, I felt extremely lonely. It’s a strange feeling, waking up without 30 new emails in your inbox. I was no longer in demand for my time, advice and expertise. All of a sudden, you’re on your own.
We feel we ‘should’ be out socialising or surrounded by people. When we are spending a lot of time alone, it causes a mismatch which brings on the feeling of loneliness.
Social media is a paradox. It’s supposed to make people feel like a part of a community. Instead it spurs feelings of anxiety and loneliness when we feel we are missing out.
How to overcome it:
- Talk about your feelings.
Share with others that you’re feeling lonely or could use some company. They may even feel the same way!
- Make the effort.
This requires confidence and self-esteem to reach out to people. We miss many opportunities for connection every day. Ask for the number of that woman at your gym class that always chats with you. Message an old friend or family member. Try an app like Bumble BFF which has over a million users.
- Join a group with similar values.
Groups are a great way to connect with people who share your interests. A local sports team, a running club, a networking group, or a book club. You can find many groups on Facebook and Eventbrite.
- Connect with your body.
Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection. To overcome it, we need to create feelings of connection to ourselves and become our own best friends. Practices like yoga, Pilates, martial arts and mindful walking help us reconnect to our body. Getting outdoors makes us feel part of something bigger than ourselves.
- Connect with yourself.
Do something that brings you joy. Have you lost touch with a creative outlet because life has got in the way? Today I play a lot of music on my own – 50% of the time to lift my mood when alone – 80s pop rock music! You need to rebuild your self-esteem by taking care of yourself.
You don’t need to fill your calendar with appointments, clubs and social events thinking you’ll be happy. Avoid numbing the feelings with addictive behaviours to fill the void.
Feelings of loneliness can be overcome. I’m now in the stage where I crave time alone. This Christmas I would love to be on my own again. Sometimes you need your own space, it’s a great place to be in.
Recognise that most of us do not actually need a huge amount of socialising and tonnes of friends. We can be content on our own, and create opportunities for connection in many places when we know how.
