Romantic relationships touch all facets of our lives. As human beings, we thrive when connected to others. We live longer, and experience lower rates of stress and depression. According to the Mental Health Foundation, being happily married or in a stable relationship impacts positively on mental health.
I’m speaking from experience. Society would call my relationship history a failure. My marriage was a failure. I knew after the honeymoon that it wasn’t going to work out but I still stayed in that relationship for 18 years!
Being in an unhappy relationship impacts your self-worth, work, and all other relationships. Yet, 6 in 10 said they were in an unhappy relationship (wevorce).
The Office of National Statistics put UK divorce rates at 42%. Nearly half of the people who pledge their lives to someone thinking that it’s forever end up needing to separate.
So where are we going wrong?
There are many signs of a ‘perfect’ or ‘healthy’ relationship included in endless online quizzes. Their checklists for a happy relationship usually involve:
- Missing your partner when they’re not around.
- Talking to your partner every single day.
- Giving each other space.
- Knowing what your partner wants before they do.
- Having fun together.
But there is so much more to cultivating a truly happy relationship.
There is no such thing as ‘true romance’. We have images of being whisked off our feet by ‘the one’ which isn’t true in reality. Because we fear being alone, we lower our standards or don’t put in the work to make a relationship work. I settled and compromised my own happiness and sense of self.
We want to feel accepted, to do the ‘right thing’ and even I believed that you needed to be in a relationship to be happy. I went on dates and had a string of short relationships. They never worked out, because I hadn’t realised that I needed to be happy within myself first. When I fell in love with who I am and life instead, I found happiness in relationships.
As a professional coach, I have seen and helped many people within their relationships. These are the things that truly happy and healthy couples get right:
Effective communication.
This is more than simply banning phones from the dinner table to have a conversation without notifications. Couples who communicate effectively understand the communication style of their partner, they take time to listen and create a safe environment for expressing their feelings.
It’s important to recognise personality types in how we give and receive feedback. Often, there’s anxiety from previous experiences that impacts our communication. You can take the colour personality quiz here to find your prototype and understand how others may interpret you: https://www.surroundedbyidiots.com/en/simplified-disc-analysis/
Knowing and expressing your love languages.
There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. If your partner is constantly telling you how great you are, yet you receive love as acts of service and gifting, you still won’t feel appreciated.
Understanding how you both receive and express love allows you to recognise when each partner is making an effort and you will be able to respond in the way they receive love. The quiz here will help you discover your love language: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
Recognising your attachment style.
Attachment styles are created in childhood based on your relationship with your caregiver. These early bonds create patterns for how we engage with and manage relationships as an adult. If you have an anxious attachment style, your insecurity could show up in relationships as neediness and fear of abandonment.
An avoidant style can cause you to appear dismissive and unable to commit or depend on others. For those without a secure attachment style, awareness is key to recognising behaviour that no longer serves you. Not recognising unhelpful patterns is where many toxic relationship behaviours stem from. An attachment style quiz is here to learn more about your style: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
Getting clear on expectations.
Where there are expectation gaps, there are conflicts. Dissatisfaction arises when couples have different expectations for their life and relationships. Does your partner know exactly what you want in life and from them? Do they feel the same way?
It’s important to ensure an equal balance in contributing to the relationship. Not just in terms of assets and financial contribution. Both partners need to agree on what they expect from each other. This includes help around the house, how much quality time they want to spend together, family responsibilities and what that looks like.
Working on themselves.
You want to avoid symbiosis and maintain your individual identity. Your worth and sense of self should not rely on another person. If it does and you and your partner have an argument or they leave, your sense of self also vanishes. Building confidence and belief in your own value impacts how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about others.
Both partners should be making an effort to work on themselves. You may need to overcome past experiences affecting current relationships. For example, some people unconsciously seek out partners with characteristics similar to the parent they had the most difficulty relating to, wanting to “heal” those unresolved issues in a relationship. You need to identify and resolve these patterns and behaviours to have a healthy relationship.
The happiest couples give their best selves to their partner and support each other to get there.
Happy relationships are indeed possible! Coaching can help you achieve this. Even if you are single, putting in the groundwork makes dating much easier and enjoyable. Having self-worth and understanding your communication style, love language, expectations, and attachment styles, benefits all your relationships. Being in a relationship isn’t essential to leading a fulfilling life. However, fulfilling relationships positively impact our lives in a myriad of ways.
